So maybe there's a crash coming for the ground, Seek His face, He'll never let you down

This weekend has had a theme. It began Friday night at church, as we broke down our VBS set to hand over to another church whose VBS program starts tomorrow. One of the team that came to take the sets for their use was this guy Peppy, who I went out with a couple times last year. Although the dating thing didn't work, we have maintained a friendship, mainly over Facebook. I hadn't seen him in AGES. So when I saw him at the front of the church, of course I said hi.

In the course of the night, while breaking down the set, we got caught up on each other's lives, and at some point he handed me a Starbucks card. He knew I'd find more use for it than he would.  Way more use for it.  It was kind of awesome of him not only to remember I liked Starbucks, but to give me the card.

I continued thinking about it the next day. I have a very strict Starbucks budget, or I would probably spend all my money there. It's something I struggle to keep, and I was running very low on my budget. I blame it on having to be up way early for VBS all week. "Blame" might be the wrong word. I attribute it to the early mornings last week.

So, I was thinking about how awesome it is that God came through for me on this. Between the two free Starbucks coupons I had and the card from Peppy, I was more than set for the week. And this is just coffee. In the bigger context, the one thing I've really been hoping and praying for is a husband. Someone to share my life with. It's something I've wanted for pretty much since I can remember. And it's the one thing God seems to be silent on. I've had very bad dating luck and am a freak magnet.  None of which helps me find a good husband.  Does God not care how badly I want this?

Really.  He cares this much about my coffee addiction.  He has to care about my desire to have a husband as well.  Right??  And the various other things I've been frustrated about....

Then came church this morning. The pastor talked about how God sometimes remains silent.  Sometimes doesn't come through as we expect him to.  RK, the pastor, brought up examples of God not acting and making things all better, even though he has the resources (like praying for a sick loved one who doesn't get better or when we pray so hard for Mr. or Ms. Right to walk through the door and they don't). He brought up examples of using God's gifts as an escape, instead of enjoying them as gifts (like "needing" a drink after a bad day vs. enjoying a glass of merlot). He mentioned times when we go for what we think is good and substituting that for God's best.  And it all fit so nicely into my thought process yesterday.

So I mentioned this to him after church.  And in the course of our conversation, RK brought up one major question.  Because he loves to stir the pot like that.

He asked, what would my reaction be if God doesn't come through with the husband?

I thought for awhile. And about the only thing I came up with was that I wouldn't react the way I did when he didn't come through the last time. That was when my mom got sick. Every Sunday I would go to church as always and in public, around my church friends, I would pretend everything was all right. I'd sing, "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be your name," and I would claim to believe it, but in reality, every bad diagnosis festered in my mind.  I was dying inside.  My faith was dying inside.

So I did stupid things, with stupid people, for stupid reasons. Because I was so pissed off at God. But as much I was trying to hurt Him (and I know it did), it hurt me too. It only got worse in 2008 when my mom died from the cancer that was plaguing her. I got even more stupid, all the time hiding the stupidity from most people.

So when RK posed the question of, "What if God doesn't come through on the man issue?" I really had no answer. I don't know how I'd react.  I didn't ever think I'd react the way I did about my mom.  I never thought I would be that dumb.  I never thought I would have so many self-inflicted wounds.

To this day I sometimes think God is not giving me what I want as a punishment for being that dumb. Like I don't deserve to have it because I abused his gifts. But what if it's not a punishment?  What if it's God telling me it's not his best for me?

That bothers me too.  Because if it's a punishment, there's a reason for it.  There's an end to it.  God can't punish me forever, can he?  At some point, I'll have suffered enough, and he'll stop withholding what essentially is good, right?  But what if what I want is bad?  Like a kid who wants to touch a hot stove or stick a fork in an outlet?  I may be attempting to do the adult version of sticking a fork in the outlet.  I may never get what I want.  Can I really choose to say "blessed be your name" at that point?

And I think that's what RK was getting at.  It's not easy.  It's still the right thing to do.  The Bible clearly tells me to "be thankful in all circumstances."  He might not do what I want, but I should still thank God, because these circumstances are what's best for me, even if it is a little hard to swallow.

Later that day, as I sat in Hale & Hearty with some friends, this guy Dusty asked me if I felt that RK was speaking right to me in his sermon today.  If it was anyone else, it would be a little too personal, but we have a few similar life situations, and RK touched on pretty much all of them. Like me, Dusty lost his mother a few years ago. Like me, he is sick of being single and wants to get married. Like me, (I assume... Because he brought it up) he runs off to Croxley's and has a beer or two or three after a particularly rough day.  RK brought up all that in the sermon.   So when he asked me if I felt like RK was talking directly to me, it's because he felt it too.  And it was good to know I wasn't the only one in that boat.

To tie up the theme of this weekend (and especially today) I had two songs running through my head during both services.

This one:

And this one:

And on my way home from watching Harry Potter today, those songs in that order came on the radio.  That's how I took the whole big mess of learning and straightened in up in my mind and tied a big bow around it.

The truth is, God will always come through, but maybe not the way I expect. Like getting a Starbucks card from a former flame. And in the meantime, knowing that God never lets go of me while I wait for the help I need is definitely a comfort. And that, I believe, is the message of the weekend.  That's what God so desperately wanted me to know.

But yet I am still freaked out, because this same message was being so clearly reinforced to me all weekend.  (More like drilled into my head.  Over and over and over again.)  Yes, I shouldn't fear but I do. Because I have it in my head that one of two things is about to happen. Either I will get these things that I've been praying for -- it's on the horizon now, and I won't have to wait long for it. OR I will not get it. Ever. And in that time I have to trust God that it's best for me. Even if it breaks my heart. (YES, I'm thinking of the man situation right now!) But all I can do is wait.