People who know me, know that one thing I have really desired in my life is to find myself a husband. I'll admit it, I'm looking. And I'm not getting any younger while I do it. People who know me also know that I don't do internet dating. No eHarmony for me! I tried it, with disastrous results. I was heavier back then, and I just don't come out very well in pictures. So between the 50 extra pounds I once carried and my lack of photogenicism (is that a word?), most guys would close out their matches with me the minute I showed them my picture.
I quit that site when I started dating my last boyfriend, 6 years ago. I thought it would be a long term thing. At least that's what he seemed to indicate he wanted. He lasted 3 months. My resolve to avoid eHarmony has lasted way longer. As has my single streak. I've gone out with one guy since then, and that would be Peppy. He lasted almost as long as the boyfriend, and "boyfriend" wasn't even a term I could use with him.
Aside from the guys who closed on me because of my picture, there were two whole guys I actually got matched with on eHarmony who were actually attracted to me by my picture, and who chatted with me on the phone. One guy called me once, and we had a good conversation. And when I called him back three days later, he started telling me about his enemies who shot at him and who tried to give him botulism. Um, we have a winner right there.
Then there was Jim, who was probably my biggest success. He was a guitarist and accountant from Ohio, and we had a good 7-8 months of communication and phone calls. Aside from one point when he decided to try and get me jealous of some other chick who was from Ohio and who wanted him, he seemed like a pretty decent guy. We arranged to meet up over MLK weekend one January, and last minute he cancelled because, he told me, his grandmother had a stroke. Did I believe him? No.
Things got strained with Jim after that. He slowly quit calling as often, and finally stopped. Then he explained in an email how he felt bad, but he'd started seeing another girl. Whatever. He told me I was still one of his closest friends and he'd always stay in touch. Did I believe him? No.
So internet dating left a bad taste in my mouth, and this was for multiple reasons, not just because eHarmony seemed to think my best matches were shallow and freaks. Although they might be. I do tend to attract those types generally. It's nothing I have against that particular site either. I guess I'm a traditionalist in dating, and websites seem to go completely opposite of an organic relationship.
For starters, I'm just no good on paper. I've already mentioned that I'm not photogenic. But it's not just that. I am more than sterile, uniform letters typed out on a website; I am a hand-written note. I am more than the smile I display in my profile pic; I am the wrinkled nose that smells something nasty. I am more than a fan of music (or as my friend CC says, a musicologist); I am the involuntary tapping of my foot and harmonizing with a song I love to sing. I am more than a runner; I am the smell of sweat and the salt on my forehead when I finish a half marathon. I am more than :-D or >:-( or some other emoticon; I am the shriek of surprise, the groan of anger, the loud, appreciative laugh. It's what I am in 3D, and when you try and reduce it to text on a page, I just don't come out as well.
My second issue is, as I've said multiple times to my friends who ask, if a guy is going to dump me, it can't be something he can do in his underwear. It shouldn't be as simple as clicking a button. He should put some effort into it. Dress up, take me out to dinner. Be prepared for some tears. Stick around for them. Witness the mess that happens afterwards. Internet dating makes breaking up way too easy, way too clean.
That said, I'd also like guys to put some effort into meeting me, into getting to know me. I want them to get dressed up for that too. And I want them to discover me, which brings me to my third beef with this whole internet thing. Putting all your likes, dislikes, feelings, fears, etc, out there for some potential mate to see just seems wrong to me. It's not the way human relationships develop.
What if I'm the right person for some guy, but he thinks my love of Doctor Who makes me a big nerd, and decides he doesn't want to date a big nerd. And while, yes, I am rather nerdariffic on occasion, my non-nerdy moments are worth the nerdy ones. But he would never know that if the whole Doctor Who thing turned him off. By the way, any guy who gets turned off by the Doctor is not worth dating!
And what if he is the only other person on this planet who doesn't get why people like "Free Bird" and any song Pearl Jam ever wrote? I would much rather find this out one day as we're driving along in the car, maybe a month or so into our relationship, and "Black" comes on the radio. "Ugh, can we please turn off the Pearl Jam?" I'd say, "I don't get why people like this stuff!" And he'd be all, "Yeah, me either, and what's with 'Free Bird'? I don't get that one either." It would be a lost moment if I had already read it on his eHarmony profile.
The bottom line is, people don't meet each other saying, "Hi I'm Lois, I like long walks on the beach, I run half marathons, and I have very eclectic tastes in music. I'm looking for a guy who's a Christian and can dress himself. Blue eyes and hair on most of his head, but not on the rest of his body are pluses, but they're not deal breakers. Pearl Jam fandom and atheism are." So, how does this help create a real genuine relationship? It feels like a fraud to be able to screen potential dates like that.
I'm not bashing internet dating. I'm just saying that kind of stuff doesn't work for me. I know it has been awhile since I was on eHarmony, and I'm sure in the last six years things have changed dramatically. And I know tons of people who met their spouses that way. But it just doesn't seem right to me. I'd really love to be able to go on and have my profile say, "I'm a nice girl looking for a nice guy. For more information, talk to me."
And in order to close the match, you'd have to meet personally and do it. I still hate the idea of being dumped by a guy sitting in front of a computer in his underwear.
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